NAKED ANXIETY: Single but Never Available

Single but never available... Isn't that the oxymoron of all times?? How can one be single but never available?? I'm sure you're thinking, this is about fear of commitment or lack of interest but really it's not. It's about how one can truly set themselves up to fail time and time again.

SO, I'll fully admit it. I'm the hopeless one who seems single but never available... I was labeled with this catchy phrase from one of my best girlfriends, we'll refer to as Nyx. Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with your Greek mythology (better brush up now!), she is revered by one of the most powerful goddesses and is also the most mysterious!! My girlfriend I'm referring to, is most certainly that... Anyway, Nyx one evening labeled me with the term "Single but Not Available" because I always seem to set MYSELF up to fail. How?? Well, of course by MY poor choices. After I mulled over her thoughts on my personal dating habits, I concluded I do tend to do just that, and so do many of my other friends. Guys and gals alike.

My most recent example?? Hermes, or in mythology he's also known as Mercury, is my unicorn... A fable creature I often wonder of his existence and know I'll never really catch. Hermes is all I ever looked for and truly all I ever wanted that I didn't know I needed. He's sweet, affectionate, caring, funny, sexy as all sexy gets. We share similar interests, and really just get each other. See the fable part coming into play?? We quickly became very close friends, and well you know. Love is really friendship on fire. That is how I feel about Hermes. In him I do see an imperfect person perfectly. But remember, I'm unavailable. Despite the perfect thought of Hermes and myself, he's not exactly available in more ways then one and like I seem to do quite often, I allow myself to perpetuate a scenario that will probably never come to fruition. Now with that being said, this fantasy I've lived in lately was not completely of my own imagination. Hermes himself played a major role in the conception of perfection. He's taken a lot of time to ensure I view him in a sexy and romantic way, whether it be intentional or not. SO, again the problem?? Realistically, I'm allowing myself to once again settle for someone who cannot possibly be everything I deserve right now. Also, like I said earlier, he's really not all too available right now in more ways then one.

Just walk away right?? Not so simple. I've begun to care. Period. Sad I know but oh so true. So again, what's a girl to do?? I've tied dating others and pursuing other possibilities, such as the Alpha Zeus a few weeks back. I've came close to just walking away from Hermes all together, friendship and all. When one is entrapped in such a suffocating situation, reflection often happens. With the aid of Nyx, as well as other friends, I've come to really believe perhaps I CHOSE to end up in bizarre situations like this. What if ones past is so painful and was so twisted, it's easier to pursue those you know will never really be yours just to eliminate fear of true rejection or additional pain?? Perhaps, I CHOSE to seek relationships I know will only be so much, because the risk and gamble of seeking real love and companionship is almost obscene in my mind. Perhaps after enduring a string of cheaters, liars and even a physically abusive relationship, I've decided to settle for a man that I KNOW will never really be mine, thus never really faithful... Hence, no risk or gamble. I know the deal and enter with my eyes wide open. Funny thing though... It never seems to be that easy right?? Someones heart, and yes it will be mine, will be crushed into a million pieces. AND, for that matter my heart is currently being held together with duct tape and gorilla glue... SO, I fear if it was to be damaged further, I might not ever be able to put it all back together.

Although the fear is present, along with skepticism, I will admit I'm about to the end of my rope. I'm alone. I'm over 30 and alone. Pathetic I know. I'm tired of being alone and wonder everyday if this is all life will bring me. I wake thinking, there must be more to life this, but what the hell is it and how do I get it?? Don't get me wrong, I love certain aspects of my life. I have an eclectic mix of terrific friends, I've seen a majority of the lower 48 states, I have friends scattered throughout the world, I've stood on the starting line when a pair of top fuel cars have raced the 1320... Hell, I've really lived! But at what price?? The price of being alone?? I love what I do, really I think I'm learning to love who I really am, I love my God, family and friends. BUT I'm single, alone and tired of doing this game of life by myself. So back to my original question. Why do I insist on being one of those girls who is single but never available??

Stripped down, exposed and real...
~N/A